


Skin

by skargasm



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-11
Updated: 2012-09-11
Packaged: 2017-11-14 00:49:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,706
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/509559
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skargasm/pseuds/skargasm
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One loss too many pushed him over the edge...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Skin

**Author's Note:**

> Be warned - probably the darkest thing I've ever written.

**Title:**  Skin  
 **Author:**   **Fandom:**  BtVS  
 **Rating:**  NC17  
 **Pairing(s):**  Spike/Xander  
 **Warning(s):**  This is probably the darkest thing I have ever written.  
 **Contains:**  (highlight to reveal) Main Character Deaths  
 **Beta(s):**  Unbeta'd but proofread  
 **Prompt(s):** Prompt #295: Disheveled @  & Prompt #05: Touch @ **Disclaimer:**  The characters belong to Mutant Enemy & Joss - I just do dirty, nasty wrong things with them then give them back!!  
 **Summary:**  One loss too many sends him over the edge......

* * *

[ ](http://imgur.com/zmJdo)

* * *

The long,monotonous beep was incredibly loud in the room, filling the stricken silence. Stunned, he couldn't quite comprehend it – it refused to register. He remained seated, holding the once warm hand tightly as though by his grip, his touch alone, he could keep him there. Time stopped as he sat motionless, yearning for a sign, for anything to tell him that the machines were wrong. 

Minutes. Hours. Days. How long had passed?

“Spike - “ Buffy's voice was thick with unshed tears and he looked up at her, almost surprised to see her still there. He shouldn't be – none of them had left that cramped, sterile room in the hours before........ He couldn't even tell if it was day or night outside. “We need to let the nurse in – there are …... there are _things_ they need to do.” 

“What?!” His voice was dry and croaky, and he felt disoriented and groggy. 

“Come on, Spike – we need to go.” Angel – _Liam_ \- still felt wrong to his senses. The unnatural heat of his skin, the lub-lub-lub of his heart, the sheer humanness confused Spike's demon, made him feel the loss of his Sire time and time again. He shrugged off the warm hand, instinctively withdrawing from the touch. Liam had no right to touch him, no claim on the vampire Spike had become – he was just another human now, a meat-sack dying in front of his very eyes. A sense of shame swept over him, the soul writhing at the less than humanitarian thoughts and churlish feelings, but he refused to acknowledge it. Shanshue was not something he ever wanted, even with a soul. A maelstrom was whirring inside of him, rage, pain, anger, fear swirling together in an overwhelming mess. He wanted his Xander – he was the only one who truly understood, who could help him sort out reality from the dreams, nightmares and hallucinations; the only one to make the soul feel any sort of peace while it dealt with his past misdeeds. It was a perpetual battle between the soul and the demon, with only Xander as a beacon of calm and sanity amidst the chaos. 

“Go 'way”. 

“We can't do that, Spike. The medical staff need to do things to Xan – to the body before we can arrange the funeral. Come on, there's nothing you can do here.”

“S'not a body. Leave me in peace – just bugger off, all of you.” 

“We'll give you time to say goodbye, but then you have to come with us. Spike – you need to eat and sleep,and you're not alone. We're here with you.” 

“'K, yeah, whatever, just get out yeah?” He could hear them muttering between themselves, a sneer crossing his face as he realised they thought he couldn't hear him. How quickly Liam had forgotten just how acute a vampire's senses were. 

_“I'm worried about him – he's not been the same since Xander was diagnosed, and now - “_

_“Now he seems to have completely disassociated. We need to keep an eye on him – the soul is making him off kilter as it is without Xander's death.......”_ A hiccuping sob and he realised that Buffy was crying. What did she have to cry about?? Xander hadn't meant as much to her as he did to Spike.... If she had loved Xander, she would have stood by Spike's side when he fought with the witch, would have _helped_ him. But no, none of them understood, none of them knew just what Xander had managed to do for him. Not just love him, show him love, but protect him from even himself. How could he leave Xander behind with strangers who just wouldn't understand?

Decision made, he swiftly began to unhook all of the needles and tubes that had failed so spectacularly to save his lover. He wasn't going to be separated from Xander again – not now, not ever. Gently wrapping the beloved body in the sheets, he grabbed the chair he had spent the last week stuck to and threw it through the window. The smashing sound of the glass falling towards the ground, swiftly following the chair, did not mask the screams and shouts from outside the hospital room and moving quickly, Spike gathered up Xander and leaped out of the window. He hit the ground running, his destination and intentions clear in his mind for the first time in a long time.....

* * *

Later Angel wasn't even embarrassed at throwing up violently in the corner. 

In his vampire days, as Angelus, he would have been _proud_ of what Spike had done, regardless of the reasons. But now, as he sat in shock with Buffy, all he could feel was immense sorrow for his former childe. None of them had seen just how much Spike was struggling with the soul – oh, they knew he was having an extremely hard time dealing with his former actions and that Xander seemed to be Spike's focus, the one thing that kept him on an even keel and made it possible for him to exist in the narrow half life of a demon living with a human soul. But they had all been focusing on Xander – on the diagnosis of the doctor's, on making him comfortable in his last days, on recovering from the contents of his living will that specified his wishes so clearly, that they hadn't really considered the effect of it all on Spike. 

Angel remembered the argument between Willow and Spike, Spike's insistence that Xander's will had been written _before_ they got together; that coma or not, Spike knew that Xander would prefer to be turned than to ever leave his Spike behind. Willow on the other hand was adamant that they had to stick to Xander's wishes – her less than wholehearted acceptance of her childhood friend's relationship with Spike obvious in her refusal to listen to any of them. In the end, the arguments were moot – Xander never woke again to speak for himself and with the chip still in evidence, Spike had been unable to force his viewpoint onto the stubborn redhead. 

But this – none of them had expected this. 

It had taken days to track Spike to his hide-out, a cold, dark space in the basement of the old school. Willie had finally come through after a large amount of bribery and intimidation, and they had arrived only to freeze in shock when they managed to get sufficient light to see clearly what they had actually found. Spike was a disheveled looking shape in the corner of the room, rocking gently back and forth, arms hugging himself tightly. The smell in the room was obscene – a bloody, meaty scent that attacked even human nostrils and it was with a sense of horror that they registered the body laid out like a lump of meat on the table, surrounded by bloody medical instruments. Blood splatters decorated the floor around the table, and congealed blood led to a clogged drain in the floor. 

Confused, barely able to understand what he was seeing, Angel walked cautiously towards Spike, reaching out to gather the vampire into his arms. It was then that he had run and thrown up in the corner – staggering away in horror, unable to accept what his eyes were telling him. He had no idea what his next reaction would have been – whether he would have been able to reach Spike, whether he could have done _something_ but he was never given the chance. Willow's scream of fury and pain rang in his ears and he could do nothing but watch through streaming eyes as she roughly yanked Spike to his feet. With almost inhuman strength, she battled against Spike – obviously intent on reclaiming what he was clinging to so strongly. Buffy stood frozen to one side, clearly unsure what to do – Spike could do very little against Willow with the chip obviously constantly firing in his head, but he refused to let go. His pale skin was smeared with blood, eyes dark holes in his face as he mutely tried to resist all of her attempts to make him release his gory shroud. 

A horrendous tearing sound and Spike fell backwards, weeping and clinging to the remnants of his 'cloak' as the main part of it fell to the ground. Willow threw her head back and screamed, blood-streaked hands gesturing at Spike as she cursed him in Latin. A blinding white light spread throughout the entire room, almost burning Angel's retinas and he tried to cover his eyes as he saw Spike lifted from the ground and literally ripped to pieces by the power of the spell. By the time he could see clearly again, Willow was sobbing in a heap on the floor, clutching at the mangled puddle of skin as Buffy tried to pull her away and his first coherent thought was to wonder just how they moved on from something this grotesque, this tragic? Even with the knowledge and memories of hundreds of years, he really didn't know how exactly they went on after _this_.....

* * *

fin

* * *

> Inspired by the first line of the chorus to **Breaking Benjamin's** \- Skin:
> 
>   
> **"Skin"**
> 
> Well I know you don't know the reason  
>  And it's cold, a sign of the season  
>  'Cause you're old, and battered and beaten  
>  And we'll grow, til we hit the ceiling, yeah
> 
> [Pre-Chorus]  
>  Well I'll be better, get away  
>  Send a letter, bombs away
> 
> [Chorus:]  
>  **You're covered in my skin  
> ** I couldn't imagine anyone else  
>  I'm off for the weekend  
>  I couldn't imagine why you would save yourself
> 
> Well it's gone and it's not returning  
>  And your clothes and pictures are burning  
>  'Cause you're old, and battered and beaten  
>  And we'll grow, til we hit the ceiling, yeah
> 
> [Pre-Chorus]
> 
> [Chorus]
> 
> [Pre-Chorus]
> 
> [Chorus]
> 
> I couldn't imagine  
>  Why you would save yourself

* * *


End file.
